Crying On The Inside

I'm pregnant and I am suppose to be the happiest person in the world right! I haven't always wanted  to have kids. But then I met Shane and he changed my mind. He reminded me that people fell in love and they loved each other so much that they start a family. What sucks is that I am happy that I am pregnant. It's just that having Lupus its so hard to think positive about this baby. To know my chances for carrying this baby full term is slim. Knowing that having this baby could endanger my life and its. I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I am being selfish. I want to give my husband OUR own child. We talked about adoption before but before we found out I was diagnosed with Lupus he said no I don't want to adopt. Then when we found out it would be hard he said we could always adopt. I feel like he is doing this for me because he feels bad. I honestly don't know what to do I feel hope less and insecure as a wife. The one thing I am suppose to do as a wife and a woman it seems impossible. I know he loves me whether or not I can give him a child. I sit here now praying that I this child that I am carrying gets to make it here to this world. I know that it would make my life a lot more brighter. So I tell everyone who is thinking what a pain in the ass your kid can be or how they get on your nerves sometimes. I wish I had that. Enjoy it Cherish it. Love it.